Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there

For a while, it seemed like everyone I knew was moving, or thinking about moving to Calgary. Like Vancouver in the 90's, Calgary has been the place to go if you're in your 20's and looking for work. I knew an business major from Saskatchewan whose entire graduating class left the province to find work in Calgary.

I've been there a few times over the last 5 years. As a matter of fact, I was there last week! It is a nice place to visit, but like anywhere else, the grass just seems greener on the other side.

Top 5 reasons why Calgary is not a flawless mecca of perfection.

Bridges
Calgary supposedly has a warm climate, not that you can enjoy it by walking anywhere! You'll go no farther than the nearest bridge or overpass! None of them have accompanying sidewalks. I suppose you're expected to portage your own canoe around to cross the waterways. Perhaps you can just drive over them with your oversized pickup truck, of which, everyone in the city has no fewer than 2.

Calgary Flames
I'd rather have NO NHL team than have the Flames. As Winnipeggers, we hated the Flames with a passion when the Jets were still around. Suddenly, they make it to the Stanley Cup finals and everyone is a Flames fan. Sorry, I still wear my blue white and red proudly. Go Jets Go.

Calgary International Airport
The airport is pretty enough, it's easier on the eyes than Winnipeg International, but it's a bastard mélange of metal and wood! It's a freakin' wood paneled Station Wagon!!!

Suburban roadways
Below is a map of Calgary, placed next to a photo of a plate of spaghetti. If anyone can tell me which one is the map, and which is the plate of spaghetti, I will personally send you ten of my own dollars. Street names
Click on the image below to open up a map of the Riverbend Park subdivision. How many streets can you find that start with the word "River"?

I'll save you the effort. The answer is ALL OF THEM! Can you imagine if we applied this naming convention to Main Street? You'd not only have Main Street, but Main Crescent. Main Road. Main Park Boulevard Way Gate Drive. Who the HELL thought that this was a good idea??!!

If you plan to visit Calgary any time soon, I offer the following advice.
Don't Walk.
Don't wear a Jets jersey if you value your life.
Don't let your pet beaver loose at the airport.
Your map will taste better if you add oregano and meatballs.
And lastly, don't leave home without a certified GPS unit in good working condition. Or at least enough breadcrumbs to leave a good trail. That way you won't spend 3 hours wandering the homogonously named streets of Riverbend Park.

Worst 3 hours of my life.

Currently playing: Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
Now entering my fourth Cola free day!