Crudulent Video Crimes #1: the People vs. Jefferson Starship

In the unlikely event that the defendant enters a plea of not guilty, I present to you the following evidence to back up the prosecutions allegation that, in 1985, Jefferson Starship committed unforgivable crimes against good taste by releasing the unspeakably bad video "We Built This City".

Exhibit 001: Abraham Lincoln.

Unable to control himself any longer, this monument breaks from the stationary pose he has held for nearly a century, and rises from his throne to help sing the chorus. Before anyone asks "Well, what's wrong with that!?", I just want you to sit and think about it for a second, and ask yourself.... what is right with that.

It also must be asked - what point does he serve starring in a video called "We built this city...". Abe wasn't a simple mason or city councilor, he had nothing to do with city building! He led the United States through the civil war and helped build the nation after... oh wait. I get it. A metaphor. Not only did we build this city on rock and roll, but, one can now assume that we also built this nation on it too! How clever! Too bad the rest of the video isn't....

I can think of a metaphor for this video too! It also has something to do with sitting on a throne...

Exhibit 002: Rolling dice.
Haven't quite got this metaphor figured out yet - but a pair of giant dice have apparently fallen off of a large building and are about to crush the neon wearing, mousse-laden denizens below.

I bet someone was paid a LOT of money to do this back in '85. The same effect can probably be achieved by any junior high school student on his home computer in a half hour.... Man, it sure looks cool though!

Exhibit 003: Mullets
Mullet? Check.

Terrible moustache? Check.

Stained wife beater t-shirt? Check.

White trash? Hell yes.

Exhibit 004: Unionized contractors built this city on rock and roll.







Perhaps it is best not to build a city on rock and roll - Lead singer Mickey Thomas leads his band through the obligatory impromptu rooftop jam to close out the video. If we are to believe that Mr. Thomas possesses a modest height of 6', then the idiot contractors who constructed this abomination made each story of the building approximately 4'6"!!! Mr. Thomas could not even stand up straight in a building in the city that rock built!

(Note: It is remotely possible that the door is of proper height and proportion, making Mr. Thomas' natural height 11'. However, a man of that height would dwarf the tallest man in recorded history (one Robert Wadlow, 8'11"). Surely one would make a better living as part of a traveling circus than fronting Jefferson Starship. I'm sure nowadays I could make more money begging outside a bus shelter than Jefferson Starship.)

We find the defendant, Jefferson Starship, guilty, of numerous violations against decency.

Currently playing: Lee Aaron - Sweet Talk